racism and whiteness

I always get confused about this, but feel the need to empty my mind onto paper in a weak attempt to articulate the conflict I feel about police murders, black folks, and I'll likely end up discussing trump. I'm sorry. Its hard not to.

I'm so white. I fear black people. Men. I am nervous and guilty in their presence and it is impossible to act naturally. I'm not in any way saying I dislike them. Not at all.

I enjoy unearned white privilege. I live in a white community. I work in a pretty white company. I hire people of color and do my best to pay all I can. I'm a good racist. You'd never know. But I don't see people first, I see color. I challenge you, my white audience, to see it differently.

As a lifelong criminal, or someone born to criminal thinking, I've never been a fan of the police, but I've known a bunch of really good cops who could have arrested me many many times and should have, but they knew I was a mom and they tried to help me instead. As you might imagine, I have many stories to support that statement.

I cannot imagine the fear a white man would experience approaching the window of a black man's car. I don't think white men should police black men. Its a set up for both. I heard the voice of the cop who shot that man in the car and he sounded horrified, terrified by what he had done. I felt so sad for him. His life is ruined. The other man's life is over. And all for a tail light?

If I am walking down the street, and I see a black man walking toward me, I am afraid. Given the history of my slave-owning ancestors, I am the last person who should be in fear. His family did not subjugate mine. But I cross the street.

I don't know how to see beyond gangster clothing. It is so like the lame argument that tries to justify rape by pointing to what she was wearing. If he'd looked whiter would it have gone differently?

I just feel awful. Every day more death and more atrocity. Some guy drove over a whole crowd of French people today. We haven't even buried the cops. I can't keep up.

I can't stand, when the world is at war in so many ways, that democrats focus on sexual politics, gender bending rights and wrongs. It is so upside down to worry about who you can fuck when the house is on fire. Maybe its just proximity to Portland, and trust me, I'm as pro-gay as any straight chick, but we have so much more to do before we can focus on personal politics. Sue me. But if Hillary is distracted by all of the various bandwagons that vie for her attention and demand equal time for luxury problems in the face of the demise of civilization, she'll lose the election and it will be their fault.

Still, Trump is a very bad idea. Very bad. The "Never Trump Movement" has a chance right now to offer republicans a chance to speak up and stop the nonsense. A chance to un-bind the votes. They could put their money where their mouth is and finally make it right. I want to expect more of them. I'm a country girl at heart, and I think I have a bead on conservative religious values and what the right objects to about us democrats and I think good country people would do better. I expect more of them even if I have left the flock far behind.