Thursday, May 01, 2008

4

Happy Anniversary to us! Four years. I feel more married this year than I have in the past. I was trying to explain that to my husband over sushi at Todai--nasty salty snow crab, no creme brulee for me--I just feel more like I think other [normal] people feel when they are married. I held my breath for the first two years. I couldn't believe my good fortune. I was afraid I would wake up and find, once again, that I don't get to keep what I have.

I went through life that way for the longest time. I was always sure that the gods would see that I had a wonderful life and eventually, send someone to tap me on the shoulder and say, "We know who you are and we saw what you did." And just like that, in a fingersnap, it would all be gone.

And it could have been, and could still be. But it isn't. And a fabulous life takes maintenance and cooperation and that hardest of all things, the word escapes me... it means to split the difference, to give and take, to... to... COMPROMISE. That's it. Ah. To willingly suspend the need to have it my way. Not my best thing. I spent so many years getting good at making people think it was their idea. Then, just moments later... their fault.

Naw. Not really. I'm not that mean.

Anyway, Happy Day. May Day May Day. Silver heart with wings for me, stargazers for him and a star in heaven.

4 comments:

L. said...

Happy Anniversary, Mrs. Lara. Wow. Four years. You've now broken my record.

L. said...

ok. I just said your last name. I am duh this morning. can you delete that?? got up at 4, laid there till 5 and then got up and did stretches, morning med(itations)s, and readings, roaming around. Happy Day two of May!

someone said...

No secrets here. Nobody cares.

L. said...

well it's a lovely name and I am sending a late card. gp roundup this weekend. all tired out. hope you are well, we had sun, wish I could send you barrelsful.